Soft Rains
by Ravenclaw42
Summary: Sometimes Ichigo forgets that there’s more than one way to protect his family, and that of all of them, fighting is only the easiest.


Author's Notes: This turned New Year's-y without me telling it to, but at least it's the right time of year for it. Title from Sara Teasdale's poem "There Will Come Soft Rains."

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**Soft Rains**  
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Kurosaki Clinic was dark.

Night had fallen long ago, but this darkness was deeper -- a power outage, going on five hours now. Karakura Town hadn't seen a thunderstorm this bad or an outage this extensive for years. The city air carried in it an undercurrent of potential thunder, a low pressure that occassionally raised its head with a roar that shook buildings and bones. It seemed like all the electricity of the city, freed from its manmade grid, now muddled the humid air. It was early spring still, and the rain was lukewarm, messy, thick. It was the worst kind of storm.

The darkness of the streets was unnatural. Ichigo was used to some kind of light outside his window all the time, either from the houses across the street or the fluorescent streetlamps -- obnoxiously bright, but they meant home. They meant that life went on. Without them...

But Ichigo was too old and too experienced to be afraid of the dark. The two candles on his desk were purely there for light to read by. And because he couldn't sleep in the pitch dark; he was too used to the light.

That was all.

"-igo?"

Ichigo started upright. Something had finally cut through the blaring metal coming from his headphones. Blinking himself out of the fiction-world he'd been lost in for the last hour, he marked his place with a finger and looked up.

Yuzu took a hesitant step over the threshold into his room, and he saw her mouth move, forming his name again. She looked nervous.

He paused his portable CD player and pulled his headphones down, suddenly struck with worry -- as he always was -- that something had gone wrong, that someone was hurt, that there was trouble. "What's up?" he asked, keeping his voice level.

Yuzu looked down and shuffled her slippered feet. "I was just -- could we come stay with you for a while?"

"What's wrong with your roo--"

A serious crash of thunder made them both jump, Yuzu much higher and with a small, choked sound at the back of her throat.

"Oh," Ichigo said lamely. He dogeared his page in the book he was reading and put it on his desk. "Yeah, sure. You sure don't want me to come in your room?"

Yuzu shook her head mutely, shuffling inside with that restrained quick-step Ichigo knew meant she wanted to run but wouldn't let herself. Karin tromped in behind her, holding her arms over her stomach, saying nothing but looking defiant.

"Scared, huh?" Ichigo asked, a little teasingly, as he pulled himself further up against the headboard. He reached out and ruffled Yuzu's hair when she climbed onto his bed, curling next to him with her legs tucked under her small frame.

"I'm not," Karin cut in quickly, a little too loud. "I just didn't want Yuzu to walk over here in the dark."

"I think she can hold a flashlight," Ichigo said dryly. Karin made a face at him. "Oh, come here, stupid," he said, rolling his eyes at her and reaching out to pull her onto the bed next to Yuzu. "So you're only afraid of being _alone_ in the dark, huh?"

"I'm not scared," Karin retorted again, but she was more hushed this time. She scooted up onto the bed and crossed her legs as defiantly as she could.

Thunder growled again, rain scratching at the window like an animal trying to get in. Yuzu shivered.

Get Yuzu on something practical and she'd calm down. "How's Dad?" Ichigo asked, pulling his knees up and sitting forward to rest his elbows on them. Not too much damage had come out of the power outage so far, thank God, but there were three patients downstairs who needed constant looking after now that the monitors were down. Sometimes Isshin brought in temporary help when it was getting too crowded in the clinic, but he didn't dare call anyone out now, in the middle of the night -- not in this weather. So he was staying down in the clinic by himself, taking care of things. Ichigo had offered to help, but Isshin had just sent him upstairs with a serious expression and a knowing, humorless smile.

"Getting tired," Yuzu said automatically, clearly grateful for the idle talk. "I made him some more coffee before we came upstairs."

"What time is it?"

"Almost midnight."

"You shouldíve been in bed a couple hours ago."

Yuzu shook her head. "Daddy said we could stay downstairs until the storm let up, but I thought... it was getting late and I thought if I just went to sleep..."

"Hey," Ichigo said, ruffling her hair again and then smoothing it down, combing it with his fingers and tucking it behind her ear. "It's okay. You can sleep in here if you want."

"You won't mind?" Yuzu asked softly. Ichigo wondered if she even noticed how she leaned into his touch.

Ichigo shook his head. "Come on, get up, let's go get your stuff," he said, shifting towards the edge of the bed. Karin and Yuzu both slid off and he stood up behind them, stretching briefly. His neck cracked, making him wince.

Picking up the flashlight that lay next to the candles on his desk, Ichigo led the way out of his room and into the dark hall, free hand on Yuzu's shoulder -- but he noticed how close Karin stuck to him, too, despite her tough words. With all the saving the world and making serious life choices and dealing with the raging pubescent hormones that he'd grown to know and hate, he sometimes forgot that he was doing it all to protect these two girls. Well, and to protect _everyone_, of course, but... after Mom... he'd always known that family came first.

Had Yuzu or Karin been the one threatened with execution, he wouldn't have been able to wait a month just to plan a rescue mission. He wouldn't have been turned back by high walls and closed doors. He would have torn Zangetsu to shreds with his bare hands to achieve bankai if it had been the only way to save them.

And he would never, ever have left them behind.

Yuzu took a second to decide on a stuffed animal and a blanket to bring with her, but Karin just grabbed her only pillow and hugged it tight. On the way back, Ichigo let his free hand fall on Karin's shoulder. Neither girl said anything about it.

Yuzu clambered up onto Ichigoís bed without preamble, wedging herself neatly against the wall and draping her blanket around herself up to her neck, stuffed toy clasped tight just under her chin. Ichigo clambered up next to her, kicking his own covers down so he could get his legs under them. He reached over to pull Karin into the huddle. She didn't resist.

Ichigo shifted between his sisters, getting comfortable. Thunder rumbled low again outside and the rain lashed as hard as ever against the wall and roof. Yuzu shied away from the window, scooting further up the bed, towards Ichigo's pillow.

"Okay," he said, reaching down to pull his covers up to halfway cover all three of them. "Happy?" he asked Yuzu.

She just gave him a weak smile... strong enough to twist his heart. Ichigo couldnít meet her eyes, just put his hand to her hair again and tucked back the lock she ususally kept pinned up. Yuzu was such a ridiculously strong girl, and it wasn't until times like this that Ichigo really noticed that she wasn't his age -- she was only eleven. Eleven, for god's sakes. Both of them. And maybe fifteen wasn't that much of a leap ahead, but it was enough -- enough that Ichigo would never be in high school or college at the same time as either of his sisters, enough that there were a million little experiences he could never share with them. Enough that it was sheer horror to think of telling them the things Ichigo had done in this bed in the last few months, with and without Uryuu.

Enough that they wouldn't understand why he had to keep fighting.

Ichigo had never really been comfortable in the role of the big brother. He had been the center of attention until Mom died, the one who got escorted to school and hugged coming out of karate practice and talked to like a grown-up when the girls were still getting baby-talk. And then, the accident... too early for either Karin or Yuzu to remember. The agony of her absence had hit them all almost too hard to bear, but only Ichigo had the memory of her death itself. Her blood in his clothes. Her eyes, dull. Her weight... trying to protect him to the end, but the danger had already vanished and she had been smothering him, pressing him down, and for a second he'd been afraid of her -- she was hurting him, but she couldn't have been hurting him, because she wasn't really there anymore. He'd had to struggle to get enough of a breath to call her name.

He jerked a little at the next roll of thunder. Yuzu's hand snuck out of her cocoon of blankets and slid into his bigger one.

Big brother. No. He'd always treated Karin and Yuzu as his equals. Maybe it was partly his fault that they'd grown up so fast -- they'd seemed more able and willing to take on the adult roles in the house, and he'd pushed them to do it. Karin kept their Dad in check just like Mom had -- except that Karin had to use violence and attitude where Masaki had needed only a sigh and a shake of her head. Yuzu kept them all fed and clean -- but Ichigo didn't remember seeing Mom bustling around cooking for an hour before dinner was ready, or going around calling for everyone to find the empty hangers in their closets because she'd run out in the middle of doing laundry. Mom had just magically gotten it all done as if she had some alternate pocket-dimension she could vanish into and return in seconds with an armload of clean socks. She'd always had the time to walk Ichigo to the dojo and watch him spar with Tatsuki. He'd always been able to see her smile through his tears when he got beaten, if nothing else.

He so wanted to be the baby, still, in some buried part of himself. Even his Hollow acted like the brat he'd selfishly wished he could be for years after Mom's death. But Karin and Yuzu _weren't_ older than him, _weren't_ more mature... they didn't deserve a brother who could only protect them from a distance, in flashy battles they could never know about. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd given either of them a hug.

"Ichigo?" Yuzu's voice cut softly into his reverie. He realized he'd been spaced out, staring at the window, probably for a good couple of minutes.

"You guys know I love you, right?" he asked suddenly, squeezing Yuzu's hand lightly and picking up Karin's to do the same.

Yuzu's face screwed up with barely-restrained tears and she flung her arms out from under her blanket and around his neck, trembling against his shoulder. Somehow he got his arm out to hold her. "I've missed you," she said, voice shaking. "Ichi-nii... it feels like I haven't really seen you in forever." She clung tighter.

Karin just gave him a questioning look, but it was softer than usual, and instead of shaking his hand off she held it back a little tighter. "Ichigo?" she asked softly. "What's up?"

Ichigo pressed his nose into Yuzu's hair for a second, then shook his head and looked back at Karin. "Life doesn't make any sense, Karin," he said. "Get ready for it."

She grinned a little and he felt Yuzu laugh silently against him.

"I'm just... I'm sorry I'm not around much," he said awkwardly. Yuzu finally made herself let go of him and settle back onto the mattress, but he kept holding both their hands loosely. "Not gonna tell you guys that I have important stuff to take care of, or you aren't old enough to know what it is. Those are true, but I figure you already know it." He squeezed their fingers lightly and couldn't meet either of their eyes. "I guess I just wanted to ask for your forgiveness."

The arms around his neck didn't surprise him for a second, until he registered that they were Karin's. A burn started at the back of his throat without warning and he bit down hard, maybe harder than he should have, on the inside of his cheek -- he tasted blood, just a little. Karin didn't _hug._ Yuzu hugged.

Karin didn't hug, she held on for dear life.

He let go of Yuzu's hand and held Karin back, matching her grip -- which, for her, was crushing force. She didn't tremble like Yuzu, didn't exclaim through tears how much she understood, but she did understand, and Ichigo almost didn't need to hear her low whisper against his neck, mouth hidden from Yuzu, too quiet for their sister to hear --_"I've seen you fight them, Ichigo."_

There were plenty of occassions, Ichigo figured, thinking back on it now. Most likely was that night Kanonji's TV show had filmed at the old hospital. But Ichigo couldn't help remembering the incident with that parakeet kid, Shibata, just as strongly.

The second (but, dammit, not the last) time Karin had been touched by a Hollow because Ichigo hadn't been there for her. The first time Karin had shed tears since Mom's death.

He held her a little tighter.

She let go first, pulling back just enough for Ichigo to catch a glimpse of her smiling face, not teary but strained as if it had been a close call. He probably looked the same. "Thank you," she said softly. For more than just the hug, her eyes seemed to add. Thanks for taking care of us.

No one had ever simply thanked him for killing Hollows before, gratitude sans baggage. He couldn't help the grin that broke out. He turned and let Yuzu see it, which made her grin back, happiness with a hint of hesitance still. He'd satisfied Karin, but Yuzu didn't know -- couldn't know. She didn't see the things Karin saw.

But she saw other things, Ichigo realized, and he knew how to make her happy, painful as he knew it would be for him to go through with it. She'd probably get sappy, and he didn't want to think about the gifts and the dinners and the invitations to family outings and the innocent little things she was sure to unknowingly say that would make _everyone_ twitch and Dad go more absolutely batshit insane than he already was and... dear God.

But...

The next roll of thunder decided him. Yuzu was scared; she need some assurance more substantial than what he'd been able to give Karin.

He'd done things that were more impossible than this. Bankai in less than three days, for God's sakes.

Didn't make his throat less dry, though. It'd be the first time he'd ever said it out loud. Didn't matter that he was finally comfortable with his sexuality, didn't matter that he and Uryuu had been a fixed thing since after Soul Society, months ago. Didn't matter than everyone with eyes already knew.

Everyone except his own family.

He took a steadying breath. For once, he wasn't sure if he was glad or not that Mom wasn't here for this particular bombshell. If she was watching, she was probably already laughing.

"Look, you guys," Ichigo said, voice a little more hoarse than he'd intended. He cleared his throat and started again. "I, uh. There's a lot of other stuff going on, too, I mean, this isn't the most important thing..." _Yes it is,_ whined some inner voice, not the split-personality Hollow or zanpakutoh kind, just the annoying subconscious kind -- the same one that was petulant whenever logic overcame desire and he and Uryuu somehow managed to keep their hands off each other in, say, other people's houses. Or when one of them was injured. Ichigo suspected it was also the voice that got mushy on occassion and told him he loved Uryuu more than life, which was a stupid thing for it to say, but a difficult thing not to believe.  
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"Not_ the most important thing," he emphasized, though it sounded agonizingly as if he were in denial of being an alcoholic, or something. "But I thought you should know. That. Um."

"Ichi-nii?" Yuzu prompted, back to looking concerned. Karin's concern had passed, but she did look a little bewildered. Ichigo almost laughed -- of course it went in reverse, too: what Yuzu was good at seeing, Karin was totally blind to.

And he was right. Yuzu latched on to the thing she was best at. Her eyes widened a little and her serious expression lifted. "Ichi-nii, do you have a _girlfriend?_"

He was glad he didn't know what color he turned right then. Karin's eyes went wider than Yuzu's and she immediately clamped her hand over her mouth to hold in a bark of laughter.

"No!" Ichigo snapped, mostly in annoyed response to Karin's sniggers, until he forced himself back on track. Telling Yuzu. That was it. He was in too far to back out now. Yuzu would appreciate it.

Damn Karin's giggling. He'd never hear the end of this.

"No," he grated, nervous and petulant and maybe begging a little, around the edges, just in the way he finally met Yuzu's eyes and shrunk into himself a little and said in a rush, "Dammit I have a boyfriend okay? Shut up!"

This last was directed at Karin, had absolutely exploded into hysterics. Ichigo had to yank a pillow out from behind him and whale on her with it for a few seconds until she got control of herself and snatched the pillow away, using a corner of the pillowcase to wipe away her tears of mirth.

Ichigo dared a glance to his left, at Yuzu's reaction. She was still staring. But when his eyes met hers, she started smiling, slowly at first... and then suddenly happiness was glowing all over her face, and she lunged at him for another hug, tighter and steadier this time. "Ichigo!" she cried, muffled in his shirt. "Why didn't you tell me before? I'm so happy for you! Can I meet him?"

Karin shoved her face into Ichigo's pillow and collapsed onto her side with the force of her renewed laughter. He could just barely hear her shrieks, swallowed up by the pillow, but he was pretty sure he heard his name and what sounded like "lovebird" in there, and maybe "wait 'til Dad hears." Bearing his usual scowl with as much dignity as he could with one little sister latched onto his neck, he lifted his foot under the covers and punted the other sister all the way to the end of the bed.

"Then you don't mind?" Ichigo asked Yuzu, ignoring Karin for the moment. He pulled her off of him forcibly and made her look at him. "That I've... y'know, that he's my boyfriend?"

She shook her head. "Do you love him?" she asked.

"That's complica--"

"Yes or no."

Ichigo let out an exasperated sigh and looked away. "Yes, I love the dork. He's an absolute pain in the --"

"Can I meet him?" Yuzu repeated.

"He doesn't really know I'm going around advertising --"

"Invite him to dinner!" Karin all but yelled, emerging from the pillow for a moment. "Can't be a Kurosaki unless he can survive Dad! Ha!" She went back to her muffled giggling.

"He's not a -- he's -- shut up, you!" Ichigo couldn't quite reach to kick Karin again, so he threw another pillow at her.

"What's his name?" Yuzu asked cheerfully, clearly settling in for a long interrogation.

Ichigo sighed in defeat. "Ishida Uryuu," he said forlornly, flopping back against the headboard. "And before you ask, yes, fine, I'll invite him to dinner. But for the sake of all that is holy, keep. Dad. In. Line."

Yuzu grinned and wedged herself between Ichigo and the wall, comfortable and small, and started asking the _really_ embarassing questions. Not sex stuff. Sex talk seemed like a walk in the park compared to being drilled for Uryuu's favorite colors and foods and his quirks and his family history and what he was _like_ and how he _felt_ about things and why Ichigo _loved_ him.

It felt like forever, but when it was over and both his sisters were drowsy in his arms, curled up to either side of him, Ichigo admitted to himself that there were worse ordeals.

The storm, though it was still going strong, was all but forgotten. One of the candles on Ichigo's desk had burned down completely and the other was just a stub in a pool of wax. He leaned over Karin as far as he could to blow it out, and watched the smoke curl into the darkness for as long as the dying wick clung to life.

He'd watched smoke rise from blown-out candles with Mom when he was seven, in the dark -- New Year's Day, all the lights off, dousing the candles in the living room just after midnight in preparation for bed. It had been such a struggle to stay awake that late, and everything had felt so unreal. She'd whispered to him that the smoke didn't really vanish, it just became part of the air, so that it could touch everything.

For a long time he'd wondered and hoped if maybe something like that had happened to her.

Sometime later, after the wind had died down and the thunder had crawled off the city streets and back to its lair, a faint red light flicked on at the corner of Ichigo's desk. The display on his digital alarm clock, blinking in a slow rhythm. Its time was wrong, but that didn't matter to the three siblings tangled in a mass of pajamas and covers and errant limbs, two sisters taking shelter from the dark in the haven of their big brother's bed.

The red light flashed dim and regular into the dark room, the heartbeat of the city. Life went on.

12:00, it said. Time to start over.


End file.
